Cheesiness @ Its Finest.

For the past couple of days, I have been wondering how this certain woman could've played this certain man. I don't quite understand how she was able to break his heart, lie to his face, make a fool out of him, and take him for granted. 

I have had my own share of crappy relationships with crappier men, but I have never treated any of my exes as cruelly as she had treated him. It breaks my heart to know that for 8 years, she was able to turn her back on him overnight, just because she was having fun flirting with other men. 

I could never think of leaving a long-term partner for someone whom I've just started knowing. Love just doesn't work that way. So, I'm still asking the same questions over and over again. How and why could she have done that?

Spending almost every night with him, I have come to appreciate him more and more. He is the epitome of a perfect boyfriend, if ever there was one in existence. He makes me feel ultimately special and wanted, without really saying anything sweet, or without really pulling corny or sappy lines on me. 

He is still shy, reserved, and... somewhat innocent. Sure, he knows how to tell green jokes, but his intentions are always clear, and I have never felt offended or a bit off with his stories and what-not. He's too fragile, yet he makes me feel secure. 

I have not yet fully established my feelings for him, nor have I given it a label, but I know that's not far from happening, and eventually materializing. All I know is that right as of this moment, I do not want to hurt nor disappoint him. He has gone through so much, and I don't have it in me to aggravate him more. He definitely does not deserve it. 

The first time he held me in his arms, I honestly thought my heart would explode right then and there. The first time he kissed my forehead, and brushed strands of hair off my face, I honestly thought I would faint with the gentle gestures. 

I don't fully understand how he can make my heart beat that fast, and how he can put a permanent smile on my face without really exerting effort. His mere existence is enough to make me giddy, and when our eyes meet, triple the giddiness. I can get lost in those beautiful brown eyes. 

Aside from the "physical thrill" he gives me, the emotional bit is the cherry on top of it. His natural sincerity always puts me on edge, and it's amazing how he is all that and more, yet he doesn't even know it. 

I am in awe with all that he is, and though I have clearly set a limit to whatever "-ship" we have, I know that in time, I just might break down my own walls, and let him in. 

Inconsistently Inconsistent. [08.16.11]

I am currently liking someone right now. It started with a mere crush. We have been acquaintances for a while until fate decided to take part of it all. Soon, we were friends and we began hanging-out more. I got to know him better and he was able to have that chance to know me better, too.

This guy, let’s just say, he’s not my type. Not that I HAVE a type, though. If you see him, you’d just do a double take because he wouldn’t be one of those guys that I’d scream about or not even someone I’d fantasize about. YES, I DO THAT A LOT. LOL

He’s very… ordinary. Which is, yes, something new for me. If you’re my friend, or if you’ve spend more than a month with me, you’d know for a fact that I tend to have a penchant for men who are one way or another, troubled. My best bud would mildly put it this way, “You always like guys who needs to be FIXED in whatever way.” That coming from a man who has known me for almost 11 years now.

The thing I like most about this guy, though, is the way he carries and presents himself to people. His smart and witty ways; the MORE THAN AVERAGE Joe when it comes to brains and what-not. He’s funny and he’s the go-to guy. He knows the right things to say and the right sweetness to give. He would make snot come out of my face if needed just to make me laugh when I’m down. He’s the perfect best friend but not quite the greatest boyfriend. If ever there’s such a thing.

And I guess that’s where my mistakes lie. Somewhere along the way, as cliche as this might be, I found myself falling in love. I know, I know. Rubbish. Stupid. Corny. But real. It really happened. And if I could undo it all, I would. OR NOT.

We also love to sing, most of the time, together. Musicians would always have a special place in my heart. I guess hearing him sing was another step to making me fall. Of course he was very oblivious while all this was happening. I was the only one who was putting colors into everything that was happening between us. It drove me crazy to the core.

I even dreamt about him! Can you believe that? In my dream, we were TOGETHER together and we were doing things that people TOGETHER together would do. I woke up smiling.

Then, one unfortunate night, I was able to ‘fess up. EVERYTHING.  I guess I’ve always had my stupid mouth (and brain) to blame. I was always very direct and frank when it comes to my feelings. People would never say I’m very transparent but they would sure say I never hold back my tongue from saying anything. Yes, I rat out on people when issues get overrated. I even rat myself out. So, yeah.

We were together, with a bunch of other friends, when I began saying all these things to him. I wanted to stop but I was under the influence of some stupid liquid (you have to read between the lines here LOL) and before I knew it, I just basically let him inside my head.

After that conversation, everything got a little sweeter and more confusing. I thought telling him how I really felt would change things. I was hoping he’d say something stupid that would make me hate him. But he only had good words to spare. Boy, can you imagine my despair. It’d be better if he was harsh and if he bluntly rejected the idea. Sadly, he’s not wired that way. And in so many ways, that made me pine for him more.

He’s such a breath of fresh air for me, and he said I was the same for him, too.

You might think I got something awesome from all that but no. Lately, he seems to distance himself from me. Not obvious, though, just.. VISIBLE? HAHA. If this happened to my friend, I would prolly think that the guy is preventing himself to fall more and all that sugar-coating two-sides in every situation. But since it’s myself that I’m dealing with, there’s no absolute need for all those pep-talks. He is distancing himself from me BECAUSE he doesn’t want me to give the wrong idea.

And as I’m typing this, I’m actually listening to just two songs—Yuck’s Shook Down and Oupa’s Walk. YES. These songs will make my cry so bad. Hahaha. Kidding.

Anyway. -sigh-

Do I regret saying those things to him? No.

Do I want him to want me back? No.

Do I expect anything at all? No.

Sadly, I am just going to deal with this the best way I can. IN SILENCE. THROUGH BLOGGING.

The odds of him coming across this is zero to none which is perfect. I have said too much to him. Me and my stupid mouth. I never got over it. I was never to stop myself from saying the things that I’m feeling. Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t happen everytime. It just happens at the most crucial of times. Unreliable me. On the go again.

The saddest part, I guess, is that I actually have the best man by my side. Yes, I am not really what you’d say available. I am not committed, though, but I am actually just taking a break from a 4-officially-3-year relationship. And, well, you could say that it’s not only my mouth that fails me a lot but also my heart. My very vulnerable and wavy heart.

I know that this is just ANOTHER phase for me and I so can’t wait for it to be over and done with. I enjoy this new man’s company more than anything and of course, how could you say no to something so fresh like a breath of fresh air? It’s not very easy. But that doesn’t give me the reason to indulge on it, as well.

I don’t know. Things are just a little hazy now but I trust my gut, intuition and better judgement to clean this mess. SOON.

M. [03.09.11]

A few months back, I met a guy whose name I’ll conceal with M. He has been an interesting one from day one and as I got to know him more, he only proved himself to be really interesting. We would always talk a lot about basically anything under the sun. We hit it off right away with music, books, movies and people. He had a way of speaking that made me want to listen to him.

I have a thing for people. I admit, though, that I am pretty choosy with the ones I can stand having a conversation with. I hate it when people just let words come out of their mouth without really thinking first and when that happens, I can just drift into my own world wherein I can see their lips moving but I cannot —and will not—comprehend what they are saying.

M is one of the few hand-picked MEN that I will choose to have a conversation with. Yes, I believe we always have a choice so we don’t have to complain in the end.  Back to what I was sharing, M knows the right and sensible things to say. He speaks in this deeper sense that just make me think no matter how shallow the topic might be.

Oh, and you should see that boy LAUGH. His real laugh, I mean. I have often seen him smile and laugh at/with others but somehow, his happiness is more often than not half-hearted and short-lived. But whenever we talk, he becomes transparent the first second and then I’m trapped in his rhetoric qualms.

In the short time I’ve known him, about 3 months, I have learned more about him than he intends me to know. He doesn’t really talk about himself. He indulges himself in talking about random topics and when it gets too personal, he would steer away from it and begin to take control of the conversation, turning around the arrow to the person he’s talking to. But that never worked with me.

I would always, always start our conversations with a personal question directed to him and he would have to answer it or else I will not stop pestering him about it. He used to hate those things but I didn’t really care.I wanted to know more about him. The things that not most people in his life know already. And he didn’t fail me. He always surprises me with his revelations and he always catches me off guard when he’s the one asking.

For weeks that turned into months, I was addicted with talking to him and I didn’t even know it. I just know that everyday, I HAD to talk to him—one way or another. And he didn’t seem to mind. Soon, those conversations turned longer and deeper and we were sharing something special already. Unbeknownst to others, we were building our own world wherein we understand each other without really trying to.

We talked about his life, about mine. He seemed interested and I made sure it stays that way. Whenever he asks me something, I don’t just blurt out the answer. I make it a point to really internalize the questions first and the first thing that comes out of my mind usually makes him smile.

He says I’m a smart ass and I say he’s an adorable dork. We were on that level.

But, like all things I guess, it all had to come to an abrupt end. Little did I know, I was beginning to like him more. Yes! In that short amount of time. And trust me, I didn’t like the idea. AT ALL.

Soon, we found ourselves going out. Not on dates, though. (Lemme make it clear that I have found the man that I want to spend my life with and his name is Carlo James Barreda Padilla. He knew about M, so there. I just have to put that in writing. To set the record straight. LOL. I just realized I was a tad defensive there. ) We went out a couple of times, yes. We spent hours talking, eating and doing vices. We would listen to his type of music, he’d make me watch videos and he basically just introduced me to his life more. Something that he doesn’t do with everyone. I should know because he keeps this mysterious aura around him. And I got to break that sturdy wall of his.

A few more weeks and all of it came to a sudden stop. Things ended abruptly. For some absurd and more than shallow reasons, actually. That bit I despised. The one person that I enjoy talking to, my new found friend and my instant buddy… all that just changed. I need not to go in details but let’s just put it this way. He turned out to be the biggest ass after all.

It saddens me because point one, I failed to read him at the beginning of the budding friendship which is very rare for me. Point two, I got used to having him around. And point three, I really thought he was better than that. EPIC FAIL.

Nowadays, we don’t talk unless it’s a matter of life-and-death. We don’t even see each other eye-to-eye anymore, literally. It seems to me that he have shut down the world we have built together, left it in ruins and trampled on it just to make sure nothing’s left.

It sucks, yes. BIG TIME. I get to see him E-V-E-R-Y-S-I-N-G-L-E-E-F-F-I-N-D-A-Y. It sucks, it sucks, it sucks. Oh, and did I mention it sucks?

It just amazes me how he kept on lying point blank to my face without me even having a hint of it all. He was the truest hypocrite in this planet and I just couldn’t believe he managed to pull that off. WITH ME.

My playlist is still polluted with HIS music. I can’t deny him of having great taste in music. A few of his personal things are still with me only because I see no reason to return ‘em. YET.

I get to see him everyday. I get to hear his voice even when I try to shut it out. And not in the emo sense, ‘kay? It just happens that way.

IT SUCKS. YUP.

Fine Time

Fine Time; an appropriate song for the weekend that just passed.

For the first time, I had been completely caught off-guard, and my heart was beating a little too fast the whole time. 

For the first time, I had felt wanted beyond recognition by someone whom I'm not dating, and who isn't my boyfriend. 

The feeling was unbelievably good. I couldn't think, I didn't want to think, actually. I just wanted to enjoy the evening, and he made sure I did. 

I was looking at him the whole evening, and I thought to myself "Where had he been all this time? Why does he do all this only now?" I wanted to grab him from across the table, and hug him like there's no tomorrow, but of course I didn't. I had to keep whatever dignity I had left in front of him. 

This man has known me for over a decade, and he knows all the nitty-gritty details of my so-called life, but I couldn't completely understand how he could've looked past all that, and still chose to give me a night to remember. His actions were all too natural, and he kept on giving me stolen glances the whole time, which I reciprocated in the same manner. I honestly felt giddy beyond comprehension, and I'm happy to say he felt the same way; at least we were on the same boat on that aspect. 

I teased him endlessly about getting the idea from Mr. Zoren Legaspi, and his answer again, caught me off-guard. He said:

"Gets ko yung point ni Zoren eh. Kapag may dumating sa buhay mo na tao na worth more than you've ever dreamed or wanted, you would be able to do things na hindi normal para sa'yo. You will think of endless ways to make that person feel special, kasi para sa'yo, sobrang special siya. You want to make her smile, to make her feel loved, and to treat her the way she deserves to be treated. Ganun lang yun."

For a couple of weeks now, ever since we started spending time together again, I have tried all ways I know just to NOT FEEL anything beyond friendship from him. I have done my fair share of avoiding any topics that might be more intimate, or too personal. I have brushed off too many compliments, too many sweet-nothings, and I have failed miserably; or not. 

I don't know where this is heading, but all I know is that this is a new thing for me. No green jokes, no exaggerated and uncalled for flirty messages, no aggressiveness, no forced sweetness; just pure and innocent expression of feelings, good vibes, and awesome company shared between two long-lost best friends. 

Who am I to question all those? :)

With a Smile

[a late post]

I saw him again last night. I got to talk to him again, I got to laugh with him just like before. Almost 6 years had passed since we last hung-out, and it's pretty amazing how some things just never change. 

He looks better now. He's healthier, bubblier, and more... relaxed. I truly believe that this is the happiest I've seen him. After the turmoil of emotions that he had been in for the past 7 months, I'm glad to see him doing better. I guess trials really do a lot to a person, depending on how the person handles it. In his case, he dealt with it with grace, and he was able to come out unscathed in the end, despite some minor bruises here and there that have already healed in such a short time. 

He even speaks differently now. He has become more mature, wiser, and his chosen words are like music to my ears. His laughter is contagious, his smiles, infectious. I thought I have forgotten how beautiful he is when he smiles with his perfect, gleaming teeth. I thought he wouldn't have that effect on me anymore, the one he had on me when I was but a mere teenager. Boy, did I think wrong, indeed!

Despite some changes, I am happy to discover that deep inside, he is still that young boy I used to know. He still teases me about my weight, and he still knows where my ticklish parts are. He still doesn't fail to impress me with his humor and charm. He hasn't forgotten our corny terms of endearment, and he hasn't erased from his memory the bits and pieces of our treasured past. 

He still is the gentleman that I know him to be, and he still has no knack for heated arguments. He is still that simpleton, though he has more class now. 

I am really in awe with the man that he turned out to be, and I can't wait to get to know him more, to know him deeper. I guess he will always have a special place in my heart, as a friend, or who knows what else. For now, all I can say is that I'm just thrilled that he's back in my life. 

-LielAbigail

PAPEL.

Looking at my recent “that-friend” reblogs, I realized a lot of things.

One is I’m bitter. Another is that I’m a coward, and also that I’m pretty frustrated with what’s happening lately.

I love my friends and I just don’t understand why this has to happen. The situation I’m in is as crappy as it could get and I really don’t need too much drama. Though I feel a little helpless because deep inside, I still love this friend of mine.

I’ve tried a lot of things: talk to her in a nice way, talk to her in a harsh way, do not talk to her at all, write her a letter, send her a text message, talk to her on the phone, cry to her, appear weak, appear strong, and a lot of other things. ALL TO NO AVAIL.

So, yeah. I’m a little frustrated. I AM FRUSTRATED.

If you’re dealing with a friend who gives you way too much problems, you can’t help but to rethink if the friendship is still worth it.

And as a line from one of my favorite songs goes:

“Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.”

I haven’t decided yet on the things that I should and should not do but I guess I’m just letting things be for now. I won’t turn my back on anybody and I’ll still be here when I’m needed but I won’t push myself into being liked and appreciated because that is just plain pathetic.

I am stubborn and a bit egotistic, I know, (I mean who isn’t, really) but I’m not heartless. I do know how to forgive, especially if they’re my loved ones. I just don’t like taking crap from the same person, over and over and over again. Even if he/she’s a loved one. That’s just crazy.

Okay, ranting over. My student still isn’t logged in.

05.21.10

Roughly translated:

Tabs, I’m going to sleep. Goodluck. I love you, beautiful. Even if you’re fat; you’re still beautiful and I still love you.

I don’t even know if I will feel giddy. Hahaha. This is how he bullies me. I refuse to reveal how I bully him, though. LOL. 

To My Number One Man

To my number one man:

Thank you for everything, Dad. Though distance always kept us apart, you are still a great influence in my life and without you and Mom, I wouldn’t definitely be this blessed and happy. 

I know I’m not the best daughter and I’ve probably done more bad than good but always know that I always strive hard to make you and mom proud. 

Again, dad, thank you for everything. I’ll see you real soon! I love you!

I’ll always be your princess (as sucky and as cliche that might sound. hihi).

YOU.

Why? Why do you make my heart all a-flutter with the simplest of gestures?

No fair.

NO FAIR AT ALL.

CHEESES.

You Think You Know But You Have No Idea

It’s funny (and at times really irritating) when people just say things out of the blue. If they’re sharing random events that happened to them, I can take those. No problem at all. What I’m talking about would be the random “advices” (sometimes they’d even quote someone who’s already dead) that people just blow off without even knowing what’s happening. They don’t bother to think if what they’re about to say is appropriate for the situation.

Taming one’s tongue is a skill that should be mastered but it definitely is the hardest. I say things out of proportion and more often than not, I make matters worse. Me and my stupid mouth. But at least I know when to actually SHUT UP and just nod or lend an ear. I don’t sermon or quote sayings when it wasn’t asked from me.

You just don’t act like you’re a master in living the perfect life when you, yourself are screwed up. You JUST DON’T DO THAT. You don’t go rambling on words that you don’t even know what really means. If you’re taking literally the things that should be taken metaphorically, then you need to just STOP.

You’re not making people feel better. You’re doing the total opposite.

I had a reason why I refuse to linger around your existence. I had a reason why I choose not to endure the petty lies and the endless, stupid dramas. I had a reason why I no longer ask what’s wrong. I had a reason why I put my walls so high around me for you. I had a reason why we’re no longer the same people that we were.

And you know that reason very, very well.

So go ahead and preach your sayings TO YOURSELF. Don’t think that I can’t see how you’re trying to convince yourself of the things you’re saying to others.

TANTANAN MO NA. PLEASE.

**I know that me writing this is drama enough but yes, I have to let this out. Hopefully, this’ll be the last entry I’ll right about this person. Yes, I’m a wuss for blogging this instead of saying it to that person’s face. (Good thing IT doesn’t have tumblr. wahaha) Yes, I’m trying to get attention from people. LOL. HAPPY FRIDAY!**

Person I Miss Badly: Ryuichi Uchida

“For someone like me, writing a serious testimonial about anybody is a Herculean task. It’s not easy to get all serious and sentimental if you’re someone who jumps around, thinking he’s still that 8 year old kid playing dangerously in the streets. But perhaps some people can change that. Indeed, Abby is the type of person who can.

A little history: Abby and I met because of two student organizations in SISC. I was involved in both of them, and as destiny may have had it (or more probably simply because of my charms), Abby too joined both organizations. Now, I’m not entirely sure how someone such as Abby could have managed to be accepted in two of the most prestigious and elite student organizations in school considering that she…ooops (revert to serious mode)…

Abby is a naturally-gifted writer filled with ideas, conviction, and imagination. She might be a little too soft, true, but that too is part of her pleasurable character. As a student council officer, no fault can be thrown her way. She was the epitome of a student leader-responsible, friendly, dedicated, and loyal.

But more than anything else, Abby is the perfect bestfriend for a hapless, little fool such as me. She might be the only one who can stand up to my “Divine Wind (Kamikaze)” character. That in itself speak volumes about the girl that is Abby. “

-Ryuichi Uchida

*BECAUSE I ALREADY MISS YOU LIKE CREYSI, MY PENGUIN BESTFRIEND! T_T

08.25.09 [Backtracking]

Meet Carlo James Barreda Padilla. 

I have been in love with him since September 2007 and I can’t believe that he has been able to handle me for who and what I am; flaws and what-not. He has been amazing, patient, understanding—-everything I’m not. 

Funny how people say that there are soul mates for each and every one of us. I never believed in those astral stuff but if I would have a soul mate, hypothetically speaking, it’d be this man. 

I haven’t been the best partner and I can’t say I didn’t try. I just tend to follow my head and heart, and sometimes, I tend to neglect (or choose to forget) him and the things he has to say. 

I’m just thankful that through every bullshit that I gave him, he still chose to forgive me every single time. It has never been smooth sailing for us, and I doubt it ever will be. I just know for a fact that I will always be looking forward facing trials because I can trust he’ll be there to hold my hand through it all. 

**writing this made me cry. BOO. HAHA**

Adieu.

I've never been good with goodbyes. My dad is an overseas worker so he often leaves for another country and he’d be gone for months, nine being the longest. He started going abroad since I was maybe 3 or 4 years of age so you would think that I would be used to the idea of bidding him farewell. Sadly, that’s not the case.


I always sucked when it came to letting go. It could be a neighbor that I haven’t been really close to, a distant classmate, an estranged co-worker, a random stranger (OR NOT, LOL.)—as long as the thought of that person leaving enters my mind, I would get teary-eyed at one point or another. Even just listening to sad, letting go songs would instantly play random departure images in my head. I would think of not seeing a certain person and be overwhelmed by the thought, producing unsolicited heavy tears. And now, the time has come that I will be the one leaving.


I’ve been working for two years now and I’ve never been so happy being employed like how I am now. I am an online English tutor for Koreans and I know that my profession would raise an eyebrow or two, given the expectations the people around me have for me. I am a Nursing graduate and yeah, I honestly DESPISED the fact that I had to undergo 4 crucial years studying illnesses, pathophysiologies and what-not. I took the local Nursing Licensure Exam TWICE, and with the same number, have also failed. I was frustrated beyond measure and little did I know that I was rebelling against every principle that I’ve held for 20 years of existence. I began having vices, I hated the thought of going home. I ventured the call center industry, something that I vowed not to be involved with when I was still in college. I was bitter, insecure and deep inside, I believed that I was dumb all along.


Life took an interesting turn when I began tutoring for Koreans. First, I had one-on-one private lessons, introduced by my best friend and his then girlfriend. I just tried it out because I’ve come to realize that being a call center agent was not for me after all. I had to learn that the hard way, though.


I was finally a tutor. For six months, I got to know each and every one of my students. I was having a blast and I never thought I’d actually fall in love with them. They eventually went back to Korea and three crucial weeks of being stuck at home almost drove me insane. I was a bum and I hated every single moment of it. Finally, my best friend’s then girlfriend sent me a message and invited me to apply in Edubox in the Phils., an online English academy for Koreans. I didn’t have second thoughts of going there and trying it out.


Fast-forward to one year, I’m still here.


Now, though, life is taking another turn for me. The time came wherein I really have to take the local NLE. AGAIN. And I promised myself that this will be the last time. I have come to realize that I actually wasted four years of education if I would not become a nurse. I refuse to believe now that I am not capable of passing an exam such as the NLE. A lot of people have done it, why can’t I?


With the decision of taking the boards again this coming December comes the inevitable choice of leaving Edubox. I have to put ten times more effort into reviewing and I believe that wouldn’t be possible if I would be juggling work and the review. So, I have to let go of one thing to take hold of another.


Leaving will be hard because I have come to love this company more than I can express. I have met interesting people more than my hands and feet combined can count. I have listened to so many stories, took part on random activities, gained and lost a lot —- weight and money, respectively (LOL) , witnessed arguments and reconciliations, imparted knowledge and learned more in return, experienced so many memorable *firsts*, tossed and turned around my bed so many times to think, loved and was loved in return (yiiii), had many issues and was able to surpass them all, and I basically had the best year of my life.


Of course, my heart will long for my favorite students, even the ones that I’ve fought relentlessly with. I know I would have to adjust to the thought of not waking up and preparing to go to work. I also have to endure the ugly fact that I would be penniless for three months or so. Yeah, must suck to be me. LOL.


And now that I’m “leaving”, I am going to miss each and every one of the people that have made my stay in EBIP awesome. If only I could fast-forward the crucial process of taking the boards and be back in EBIP, I would. Sadly, I've no universal remote control similar to that in the movie Click, so I have to really undergo all I have to undergo in order to be successful.


My friends in EBIP will forever be remembered by me and they’ll be here in my heart forever. Cheesy as frack but the truth, more often than not, sucks more than it should. So, yeah.


I’ll be missing you all. ♥


~’til we meet again.~



Remember me sometimes,


Abby

Numero Uno: A Back Post

For my instant family in Edubox who made my life definitely happier; 

For all the memories—-both good and bad; 

For all the dramas, laughter, games and what-not; 

For the hardships, the foodtrips, the conflicts… 

CHEERS, Team Mang! 

Congratulations for being #1 for the first time. We made it! 

~’til we meet again!~ 

I sincerely love you all to the core! ♥

Hedwig and the Angry Inch (2001)

I was able to have a copy of the movie a couple of months back and was only able to finish watching it yesterday. I am ultimately in love with the genius that is John Cameron Mitchell. 

One for the Road

Wasted time and sorry tears all fall down the drain yet again.


Back to square one, not the slightest idea how to get my way out one more time.


Stupid chances and damn regrets; might as well throw it all away—each and every single one.


Mirrored apathy and disheveled illusions embrace my mind as I look back on all the changes that took place ever since our paths crossed.


Feeling every inch beat when I hear your broken record of anger, sorrow and anything but witty comebacks.


Maybe this time the fight is all but over, or it could actually be done once and for all.


Hurling all I can; screaming infidelities, crashing waves and falling stars all rolled into one.


Holding the good memories, trying to block the bad ones, wishful thinking that never goes old.


In the end, though, all to no avail.


A definite ending to an inconsistent beginning.


I’m just tired of it all and yet I’m not letting the end of the rope slip.

So…

Multiply Site is closing before this year ends. That made me panic, because I have tons of photos/articles on the said site, and both Gabby (laptop) and Hardy (external HD), are in a repair shop. 


Plus, the thought of having to transfer the files manually, to extract them from the site and transfer them to my devices, seem all too tedious to actually do.


I am going through all my files, 6 years worth, and I can’t help but remember old feelings, faces, events, and what-nots. I’m not sure if this is even a good idea, going back memory lane, but hey, it’s always fun to reminisce. :)

Drama-rama

We, humans, have this bad habit of falling deep into a 'depressed' state. We all admittedly, at one way or another, have developed a sense of 'self-pity'. The ever infamous line goes something like: "I am all alone in this world and nobody loves me when all I wanted was just for people to accept me for who I am." 

Now, there is clearly nothing wrong with thinking that. As I've said, and I bet all of you would agree, that we are all but humans. Sometimes, we are not capable of just adapting to random situations. There are times we feel like laughing, crying, getting angry or even just plain giving up. We get disappointed, excited, thrilled, scared and sometimes, we just feel indifferent. IT HAPPENS. We all have our different moments, but somehow one and the same.

I have heard too many people say too many times that they just want to be understood. They just want to be loved. And I have been one of them. But what is the real problem behind those statements? What actually causes us to think that way in the first place? 

It was said that you just need to BE YOURSELF, and people should accept you for who and what you are----flaws and all. And that's encouraging, IF YOU ARE A LIVING SAINT. 

But let's rationalize things. 

Imagine that you are one of the 'famous' people. You have it all: looks, riches, brains and the bubbly attitude to go with it. People ADORE your every move and every word. They almost fall to your feet just for you to notice them. FINE. They, in  a way, want to be just like you. But let's say you have flaws in your life that people don't know of. For example, you are a KLEPTOMANIAC. But since you are living up to a certain reputation, being THE role model and all, you CANNOT show to others that you ARE a kleptomniac, after all; for fear that they wouldn't love you anymore once they find out. The dilemma now is: How do you deal with that? Sooner or later, at the least unexpected time, you would eventually do something that would send out signals that you aren't so perfect after all. So what do you do? Do you actually RISK letting people on your little secret? Or would you MODIFY your behavior? Work out on being selfish and IMPROVE, to be the role model people take you for? 

See, things are always easier said than done, aren't they? I would honestly choose the latter. IMPROVE and live up to the role. I bet most of us would do that, yes. Because I believe that you wouldn't jeopardize your whole REPUTATION just for a single, measly flaw such as being selfish, would you? 

But that's the thing with us, humans. WE DON'T SEE THAT.  

Sometimes we get too caught up with our own evil selves, that we tend to forget that we are also capable of changing ourselves and for the BETTER.

"Why won't people take me for who I am?" Simple. Maybe because YOU don't deserve their love and sympathy. Harsh, but let's face the reality. People change----including YOU. And just because the people around you changed doesn't mean YOU didn't. What if they just changed because you did it first? Or that you overdid it? Or that it IS actually for the benefit of all of you?

"Why won't people understand me?" Maybe because you don't exert effort to understand them in return. You keep on thinking that they are the offender. But what about your offenses against them? You can't really be shallow-minded and expect people to think broadly with you, right?

"Why won't people love me for what I am?" Are you sure they don't love you? Are you really being YOURSELF in all given circumstances? Or are you trying to live the best of both worlds?

THINK. THINK. AND THINK AGAIN. AND AGAIN. AND AGAIN.

Humans are so full of drama, whether we like it or not. I know that God made us from His likeness but somehow, we overrode that. We go beyond what God wants us to be and sometimes, all for the worse. We were born imperfect and we will die imperfect, that's how we are wired.  But that doesn't mean we should REMAIN imperfect. We have to at least MODIFY or IMPROVE who we are to be BETTER and not just plain IMPERFECT. 
  
**DISCLAIMER: I have re-read my note and I somehow feel the anger through my words. Ha-ha. Did you feel it, too? Ha-ha. Random thoughts, argh. I just can't help but vent out via blogs. I just can't seem to find the right words. I hope I somehow made sense. If any has taken offense, I apologize. I am not being self-righteous, I have too many flaws, myself. Just had to rat this out. Goodnight, people. Til the next Dare to Read. ;)]**
  

Please feel free to comment. Would always be taken constructively by me. ;p

Sometimes, It Happens

BREAK-UPS.

God forbid, but they DO happen. ALL THE TIME. To different people, different countries, different situations. And..

NO ONE'S AN EXCEPTION.

It's hard, really. 

For most of us, we take love not too seriously but serious enough to actually get hurt when bad things happen in a certain relationship. We find people who we learn to love more than any other and we somehow find ourselves unconsciously doing things that we normally don't do for others. We go extra miles for them, we actually sacrifice a bit for them. Heck, we even let them be a part of our life (introduce them to friends, family, etc.).

Reasons for break-ups, they vary. 

*Your attitudes clash—BIG TIME.

*Third parties that just don't disappear.

*The 'fire' burns out—IT HAPPENS.

*The family doesn't accept either of you. For some people, this IS an issue.

*Religion. Sadly.

*Money matters.

*And pretty much a lot of other things.




So what happens when you are at that certain point wherein you know you have to end the relationship?

There are considerations, actually.

Some would hesitate because they've been together for so long and the other person has been a BIG part of their lives. Or others would hesitate because they might not find another human being that they would actually love in the same manner. Others would even be afraid to not have anybody else, at all. Others just don't have the courage to say what they have to say all because they are not the type to hurt others. Some are just too selfish to let go of the person because they benefit a lot from him/her. Many considerations, true. But no matter which angle you look at it from, all of them would be wrong—one way or another.

It is never wrong to let go of a loved one if there is actually no LOVE left to feel for that person. Sure, that person might get hurt if you break the news but, it's better to hurt them earlier than to tell them when it's too late, when they'd be hurt more.

Love is a complex thing. There is no assurance if it's gonna last for a lifetime. That is always up to the both of you to make it work. Love is a two-way street. Give and take. It will never work if only one of you wants it to. And when you know both of you have given it your all and it still isn't working, then that's the time you let go. It's not an act of cowardice, it's a noble act. It's sparing you and your partner a life of torture together. 

Never hold on to something that doesn't want to be held. Never push yourself to someone who pushes you away. Never stick with somebody who doesn't appreciate nor listen to you. If you do, you're heading for a more painful reality. Don't. You can do better.

A couple of nights ago, I was watching a Filipino movie that I'm sure we all could relate to, One More Chance. And that movie practically spoke to us the same message I am trying to relay now. It was also said there that sometimes, you have to break-up in order to grow up. It's gonna hurt, sure. But when you're ready, when you've learned, then all the pain would be worthwhile, hopefully.

But what if you never find your way back to each other?

It's OK. It means you weren't really made for each other. And if not for breaking up with them, you won't be a better person. Don't feel bad, don't regret anything. Smile because you were given a chance to have that person in your life. Sure, you might have lots of bad memories about that person. But I'll bet my life on it, you had better ones, too. And those are the things that you should remember. 

Exe's are hard-earned lessons, that's the reality of it all. I am sure you are a hard-earned lesson for your exe's, as well.

You might be hurting from a present or past relationship as of this moment. And my words could mean nothing, too. But always keep in mind that the world is big, despite the phrase "small world". Never hesitate to let one person go if you know both of you aren't growing together. Let go. It just might be the best thing you could do for the both of you. Never mind the hurt, never mind the bitterness that comes after. All of those will pass. Learn to leave something for yourself. You owe yourself that.

Remember, if you could give your best to someone who doesn't appreciate it, I'm sure you could do better to that someone who deserves it. 

God bless, people. :) Advanced Happy Holidays! :)

08.24.12

“Would you run away with me if it’s tonight? Don’t be afraid ‘cause I’m here, meet me halfway, I got you now.”

A lot of things are happening between us, but rest assure that I’m here for you. I always was, I always will be. 

Infinity and beyond,

Liel Abigail

Smile!

Waste no time feeling angry or sad. Pray, laugh, love, forgive, and let go of the things that bring you down. 

The world we live in is a beautiful place, if you know how to appreciate the littlest of things. You would learn that it’s not so bad after all. 

Above all else, live happily and SMIIIILE! 

Love,

Liel Abigail

Choose Happiness

In this world, there are too many reasons for us to feel angry, sad, depressed, and other negative emotions. 

There are too many problems, too many concerns. However, it is a challenge for all of us to at least find one reason to be happy, and one reason to smile.

When you find it, you’ll be amazed at how that simple thing can change your mood, as well as others’. 

Happy Tuesday!

Why I Write

Writing is my passion; always has been, always will be. There’s something ethereal when words are put together, woven like an abstract yet well-thought of tapestry. The way words seem to have a flow when put together wittingly will always be a cause of my amazement. Reading thousands of books have enlarged not only my vocabulary, but my imagination, as well. I’ve encountered too many talented writers that pour their hearts and souls into their works, and I want to be one of them—-badly. I used to be impressed by writers who are able to write mighty long novels, but as time passed, I have learned to categorize the different kinds. Not all writers are artists, not all artists are writers, but I aim to be both. Writers write, artists express—-I want to write, and express myself, too. I believe there’s a thin line between the two that commoners often misunderstand, and only a few writers get to cross that line, that boundary. 

At times, I try too hard to come up with something new, with something fresh, and with something untouched before, just to make a difference. Where does it lead me? Nowhere. I have always wanted to write something as big as Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen), Harry Potter (J.K. Rowling), and Sophie’s World (Jostein Gaardner), or even something in the lines of The Perks of a Wallflower(Stephen Chovsky), Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte), or Diary (Chuck Palahniuk). I’m dreaming big, anyway, so why not dream the biggest? Because of my selfish wants, and greedy dreams, I tend to go back to square one from time to time. What started as a dream when I was 10, is still a dream now, and I’m turning 23 in 3 days. It’s frustrating to realize that I wasted 12, almost 13 years of my life, wanting to make that difference, but not really trying hard enough. 

That smell of old, crispy paper from old hard-bound books speaks of great volumes of what once transpired in the realms of the past, something that can never be brought back. Those old written words that came from a time wherein the world was more peaceful, boasting of pride and sense, are just one of the things that push me to write more. Time is moving, and it’s moving fast. With all the trends that come and go, books remain what they are: sources of anything and really, everything. I would not want to be erased and forgotten completely in the future. What better way to leave a legacy, than to make a book? Not just any book, but a book with bursting essence, and written with a sincere heart. I imagine finishing something that would be passed on from generation to generation, and would be of great importance, eventually. It wouldn’t matter if I would live up to that moment, but I’m more particular in making it just for the sake of actually making it just in time. 

I want to write through experience, having my own life as a basis, and a guide just so I would stay grounded. Realistic, more like. I want my future readers to find solace in things that I deliver on paper. I can only do so much, but I want to give it my best shot. I always put myself in others’ shoes whenever I write. How would I, as a stranger, feel if I would read this? Would I be able to feel the emotions that I, as the writer, want to convey? Would the words be of reason, of truth, and of reality? Would the flow of my thoughts be easily followed or easily dismissed? Would the quality of my work be remembered as time goes by, or would it be one of those read-and-never-read-again works? 

I often find myself lost in my dreams, and I despise myself for procrastinating for too long. What is it that I’m afraid of? Honestly, I’m afraid of not finding that idea, that plot. I’m scared of starting a story that I would invest on, only to fail in the end. I’m losing my wits just thinking of making that first step, writing that first word, and finishing that first sentence. I have overanalyzed probable criticisms, the occasional downers, the pessimists. I try to brush the negativity, that is already present given that I haven’t even started yet, aside. I have been made sturdy by experience, and time, but somehow, I feel weak realizing that I might not be able to succeed in the end. 

I want to be able to touch my future readers’ souls, to reach into that unknown abyss that their minds are capable of reaching, to make them read more, to impart my hard-earned lessons so that they could learn from it, too. I want to be able to push the right buttons, to inspire, to build bridges for invisible yet penetrating gaps, to make them thirst for more motivation. I want to be able to open their minds, to offer them a new opportunity, to put them on the edge of making a change, too. I want them to find the bliss from reading in the same manner I found it. I want them to discover a new beginning that only books can offer. 

I know that looking at my educational background, a few eyebrows would raise. A registered nurse, suddenly wanting to pursue her writing career, is not really of Summit Media’s best interest, but I’m taking my rightfully owned shot. I have a lot to learn, and I have a lot to share, too. I am offering my services with an open heart, a sound soul, and a sincere intention. I’m not being arrogant when I say I’m a persistent worker. I’m not being conceited when I say I’m a risk-taker, and I’m not being self-righteous when I say I’m a fast learner. I just know that I am all those three, and if I have to sell my own attributes just to be able to start working on that dream, I would. 

Writing is my passion; always has been, always will be. It could be my mantra, for all I know, but I’m still focusing on that dream. It may be far-fetched as of now, seeing my credibility as a writer, but I believe that it’s never too late to start something you’ve always believed in. I’m taking my chances, starting at the bottom, grabbing the opportunity, and not wasting another day. If this is really written in the stars, or in God’s master plan, I say it with full conviction that my dream will, in its right time, turn into a reality.