Inconsistently Inconsistent. [08.16.11]

I am currently liking someone right now. It started with a mere crush. We have been acquaintances for a while until fate decided to take part of it all. Soon, we were friends and we began hanging-out more. I got to know him better and he was able to have that chance to know me better, too.

This guy, let’s just say, he’s not my type. Not that I HAVE a type, though. If you see him, you’d just do a double take because he wouldn’t be one of those guys that I’d scream about or not even someone I’d fantasize about. YES, I DO THAT A LOT. LOL

He’s very… ordinary. Which is, yes, something new for me. If you’re my friend, or if you’ve spend more than a month with me, you’d know for a fact that I tend to have a penchant for men who are one way or another, troubled. My best bud would mildly put it this way, “You always like guys who needs to be FIXED in whatever way.” That coming from a man who has known me for almost 11 years now.

The thing I like most about this guy, though, is the way he carries and presents himself to people. His smart and witty ways; the MORE THAN AVERAGE Joe when it comes to brains and what-not. He’s funny and he’s the go-to guy. He knows the right things to say and the right sweetness to give. He would make snot come out of my face if needed just to make me laugh when I’m down. He’s the perfect best friend but not quite the greatest boyfriend. If ever there’s such a thing.

And I guess that’s where my mistakes lie. Somewhere along the way, as cliche as this might be, I found myself falling in love. I know, I know. Rubbish. Stupid. Corny. But real. It really happened. And if I could undo it all, I would. OR NOT.

We also love to sing, most of the time, together. Musicians would always have a special place in my heart. I guess hearing him sing was another step to making me fall. Of course he was very oblivious while all this was happening. I was the only one who was putting colors into everything that was happening between us. It drove me crazy to the core.

I even dreamt about him! Can you believe that? In my dream, we were TOGETHER together and we were doing things that people TOGETHER together would do. I woke up smiling.

Then, one unfortunate night, I was able to ‘fess up. EVERYTHING.  I guess I’ve always had my stupid mouth (and brain) to blame. I was always very direct and frank when it comes to my feelings. People would never say I’m very transparent but they would sure say I never hold back my tongue from saying anything. Yes, I rat out on people when issues get overrated. I even rat myself out. So, yeah.

We were together, with a bunch of other friends, when I began saying all these things to him. I wanted to stop but I was under the influence of some stupid liquid (you have to read between the lines here LOL) and before I knew it, I just basically let him inside my head.

After that conversation, everything got a little sweeter and more confusing. I thought telling him how I really felt would change things. I was hoping he’d say something stupid that would make me hate him. But he only had good words to spare. Boy, can you imagine my despair. It’d be better if he was harsh and if he bluntly rejected the idea. Sadly, he’s not wired that way. And in so many ways, that made me pine for him more.

He’s such a breath of fresh air for me, and he said I was the same for him, too.

You might think I got something awesome from all that but no. Lately, he seems to distance himself from me. Not obvious, though, just.. VISIBLE? HAHA. If this happened to my friend, I would prolly think that the guy is preventing himself to fall more and all that sugar-coating two-sides in every situation. But since it’s myself that I’m dealing with, there’s no absolute need for all those pep-talks. He is distancing himself from me BECAUSE he doesn’t want me to give the wrong idea.

And as I’m typing this, I’m actually listening to just two songs—Yuck’s Shook Down and Oupa’s Walk. YES. These songs will make my cry so bad. Hahaha. Kidding.

Anyway. -sigh-

Do I regret saying those things to him? No.

Do I want him to want me back? No.

Do I expect anything at all? No.

Sadly, I am just going to deal with this the best way I can. IN SILENCE. THROUGH BLOGGING.

The odds of him coming across this is zero to none which is perfect. I have said too much to him. Me and my stupid mouth. I never got over it. I was never to stop myself from saying the things that I’m feeling. Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t happen everytime. It just happens at the most crucial of times. Unreliable me. On the go again.

The saddest part, I guess, is that I actually have the best man by my side. Yes, I am not really what you’d say available. I am not committed, though, but I am actually just taking a break from a 4-officially-3-year relationship. And, well, you could say that it’s not only my mouth that fails me a lot but also my heart. My very vulnerable and wavy heart.

I know that this is just ANOTHER phase for me and I so can’t wait for it to be over and done with. I enjoy this new man’s company more than anything and of course, how could you say no to something so fresh like a breath of fresh air? It’s not very easy. But that doesn’t give me the reason to indulge on it, as well.

I don’t know. Things are just a little hazy now but I trust my gut, intuition and better judgement to clean this mess. SOON.