Of unemployments and lack of sleep

I have been technically a bum, or what others would refer to as unemployed, for exactly 3 months now, and I can't say that it's what I really want. 

I have finally decided to leave my former position of being the head of the ESPT Evaluator Department, and finally tread the inevitable nursing career. Honestly, it took me almost two years to get my act together and decide once and for all to focus on what I finished. It wasn't that easy, and I know once I start, I would still find myself saying the same thing. 

So, why? Why did I finally decide to follow my parents' wish, turn my back on my dreams of being a writer, and be a nurse?  Time's a-wasting, honestly, that's why. I don't think it's practical for me to waste 4 years of gruesome (or not) days and nights as a student nurse. I don't think it's a smart move to just throw away the knowledge I have incurred those times, and I don't think that I would benefit if I just choose a totally different field. I know that it was never my intention to really be a professional nurse, but come to think of it, I just wanted to help out, change lives, and make a difference. Can't I do that if I become a nurse? In that sense, it would be a win-win thing for me and my folks. 

However, my fears of working in the hospital still comes to haunt me some nights, and certain memories are triggered, the ones that make me want to back out while I still can. I still remember that conversation I shared with that certain R.o.D. a few years back. I completely remember thinking that being in a hospital too long can make you less of a human, and that's true. You become so used to people getting sick, and dying, you forget to value life---others' or even your own. I remember thinking then that I don't ever want to be like that. No matter how long I am exposed to those sad and cruel experiences, I will never NOT give sympathy or apathy to those who need it. 

Now, though, I'm not so sure. Maybe my innocent mind then is now polluted with the real world, and I have come to believe that there really are no happy endings. I can spend all day musing about the positive and negative things the world has to offer, but in the end, no matter how much I want the good to outweigh the bad, sometimes it just doesn't happen that way. I had to learn that the hard way. 

Maybe this unemployment has brought more bad than good, financially speaking, but in totality, I have learned quite a few things from it, as well. For one, I now am sure that I will never survive being a housewife. I don't think I can handle the pressure of just staying at home, taking care of the house, the kids, and cooking. Oh, cooking; but that's another story. 

I now also know that money matters to me, and I would never bother my parents anymore when it comes to  asking money from them when I want something. I guess I'm at that age wherein I know that you have to work hard for it when you really want something.

I can't wait to start working again. Sure, it was fun bumming around for 3 months, just having all the time in the world to sleep, go out with friends, drink, and just laze around all day if you want to. Three months is not enough to read all the books, watch all the movies, catch up with all the series, and meet up with all my friends. It doesn't work that way. You have to keep a balanced routine, or a series of activities. Doing too much of something is bad---working, or having fun, same shizz. 

We need to unwind once in a while, because we spend too much time working, but at the same time, we need to get back to work eventually after every rest. That's just the way it works, and if you have a problem with that, then you need to seek professional help. 

I'm just saying, that we have to realize that we need to work our asses off in order to survive, and in order to live the lives we dream of. Nothing ever comes easy, and resting is never the solution for a happier life. I know, because I used to have that mentality, and when I did get it from myself, I found out that being a bum is actually worse than having a bad day at the office. 

Conclusion is: I need a job, and I need to sleep more. Yes.

Sampip.

Some people have nothing better to do than try and ruin other people's days, but don't let 'em get to you. They can only do so much, and you can definitely do a lot more better.

So just smile, and treat them kindly. After all, isn't happiness the greatest revenge, and kindness, the greatest weapon? 

Cheesiness @ Its Finest.

For the past couple of days, I have been wondering how this certain woman could've played this certain man. I don't quite understand how she was able to break his heart, lie to his face, make a fool out of him, and take him for granted. 

I have had my own share of crappy relationships with crappier men, but I have never treated any of my exes as cruelly as she had treated him. It breaks my heart to know that for 8 years, she was able to turn her back on him overnight, just because she was having fun flirting with other men. 

I could never think of leaving a long-term partner for someone whom I've just started knowing. Love just doesn't work that way. So, I'm still asking the same questions over and over again. How and why could she have done that?

Spending almost every night with him, I have come to appreciate him more and more. He is the epitome of a perfect boyfriend, if ever there was one in existence. He makes me feel ultimately special and wanted, without really saying anything sweet, or without really pulling corny or sappy lines on me. 

He is still shy, reserved, and... somewhat innocent. Sure, he knows how to tell green jokes, but his intentions are always clear, and I have never felt offended or a bit off with his stories and what-not. He's too fragile, yet he makes me feel secure. 

I have not yet fully established my feelings for him, nor have I given it a label, but I know that's not far from happening, and eventually materializing. All I know is that right as of this moment, I do not want to hurt nor disappoint him. He has gone through so much, and I don't have it in me to aggravate him more. He definitely does not deserve it. 

The first time he held me in his arms, I honestly thought my heart would explode right then and there. The first time he kissed my forehead, and brushed strands of hair off my face, I honestly thought I would faint with the gentle gestures. 

I don't fully understand how he can make my heart beat that fast, and how he can put a permanent smile on my face without really exerting effort. His mere existence is enough to make me giddy, and when our eyes meet, triple the giddiness. I can get lost in those beautiful brown eyes. 

Aside from the "physical thrill" he gives me, the emotional bit is the cherry on top of it. His natural sincerity always puts me on edge, and it's amazing how he is all that and more, yet he doesn't even know it. 

I am in awe with all that he is, and though I have clearly set a limit to whatever "-ship" we have, I know that in time, I just might break down my own walls, and let him in. 

Inconsistently Inconsistent. [08.16.11]

I am currently liking someone right now. It started with a mere crush. We have been acquaintances for a while until fate decided to take part of it all. Soon, we were friends and we began hanging-out more. I got to know him better and he was able to have that chance to know me better, too.

This guy, let’s just say, he’s not my type. Not that I HAVE a type, though. If you see him, you’d just do a double take because he wouldn’t be one of those guys that I’d scream about or not even someone I’d fantasize about. YES, I DO THAT A LOT. LOL

He’s very… ordinary. Which is, yes, something new for me. If you’re my friend, or if you’ve spend more than a month with me, you’d know for a fact that I tend to have a penchant for men who are one way or another, troubled. My best bud would mildly put it this way, “You always like guys who needs to be FIXED in whatever way.” That coming from a man who has known me for almost 11 years now.

The thing I like most about this guy, though, is the way he carries and presents himself to people. His smart and witty ways; the MORE THAN AVERAGE Joe when it comes to brains and what-not. He’s funny and he’s the go-to guy. He knows the right things to say and the right sweetness to give. He would make snot come out of my face if needed just to make me laugh when I’m down. He’s the perfect best friend but not quite the greatest boyfriend. If ever there’s such a thing.

And I guess that’s where my mistakes lie. Somewhere along the way, as cliche as this might be, I found myself falling in love. I know, I know. Rubbish. Stupid. Corny. But real. It really happened. And if I could undo it all, I would. OR NOT.

We also love to sing, most of the time, together. Musicians would always have a special place in my heart. I guess hearing him sing was another step to making me fall. Of course he was very oblivious while all this was happening. I was the only one who was putting colors into everything that was happening between us. It drove me crazy to the core.

I even dreamt about him! Can you believe that? In my dream, we were TOGETHER together and we were doing things that people TOGETHER together would do. I woke up smiling.

Then, one unfortunate night, I was able to ‘fess up. EVERYTHING.  I guess I’ve always had my stupid mouth (and brain) to blame. I was always very direct and frank when it comes to my feelings. People would never say I’m very transparent but they would sure say I never hold back my tongue from saying anything. Yes, I rat out on people when issues get overrated. I even rat myself out. So, yeah.

We were together, with a bunch of other friends, when I began saying all these things to him. I wanted to stop but I was under the influence of some stupid liquid (you have to read between the lines here LOL) and before I knew it, I just basically let him inside my head.

After that conversation, everything got a little sweeter and more confusing. I thought telling him how I really felt would change things. I was hoping he’d say something stupid that would make me hate him. But he only had good words to spare. Boy, can you imagine my despair. It’d be better if he was harsh and if he bluntly rejected the idea. Sadly, he’s not wired that way. And in so many ways, that made me pine for him more.

He’s such a breath of fresh air for me, and he said I was the same for him, too.

You might think I got something awesome from all that but no. Lately, he seems to distance himself from me. Not obvious, though, just.. VISIBLE? HAHA. If this happened to my friend, I would prolly think that the guy is preventing himself to fall more and all that sugar-coating two-sides in every situation. But since it’s myself that I’m dealing with, there’s no absolute need for all those pep-talks. He is distancing himself from me BECAUSE he doesn’t want me to give the wrong idea.

And as I’m typing this, I’m actually listening to just two songs—Yuck’s Shook Down and Oupa’s Walk. YES. These songs will make my cry so bad. Hahaha. Kidding.

Anyway. -sigh-

Do I regret saying those things to him? No.

Do I want him to want me back? No.

Do I expect anything at all? No.

Sadly, I am just going to deal with this the best way I can. IN SILENCE. THROUGH BLOGGING.

The odds of him coming across this is zero to none which is perfect. I have said too much to him. Me and my stupid mouth. I never got over it. I was never to stop myself from saying the things that I’m feeling. Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t happen everytime. It just happens at the most crucial of times. Unreliable me. On the go again.

The saddest part, I guess, is that I actually have the best man by my side. Yes, I am not really what you’d say available. I am not committed, though, but I am actually just taking a break from a 4-officially-3-year relationship. And, well, you could say that it’s not only my mouth that fails me a lot but also my heart. My very vulnerable and wavy heart.

I know that this is just ANOTHER phase for me and I so can’t wait for it to be over and done with. I enjoy this new man’s company more than anything and of course, how could you say no to something so fresh like a breath of fresh air? It’s not very easy. But that doesn’t give me the reason to indulge on it, as well.

I don’t know. Things are just a little hazy now but I trust my gut, intuition and better judgement to clean this mess. SOON.

M. [03.09.11]

A few months back, I met a guy whose name I’ll conceal with M. He has been an interesting one from day one and as I got to know him more, he only proved himself to be really interesting. We would always talk a lot about basically anything under the sun. We hit it off right away with music, books, movies and people. He had a way of speaking that made me want to listen to him.

I have a thing for people. I admit, though, that I am pretty choosy with the ones I can stand having a conversation with. I hate it when people just let words come out of their mouth without really thinking first and when that happens, I can just drift into my own world wherein I can see their lips moving but I cannot —and will not—comprehend what they are saying.

M is one of the few hand-picked MEN that I will choose to have a conversation with. Yes, I believe we always have a choice so we don’t have to complain in the end.  Back to what I was sharing, M knows the right and sensible things to say. He speaks in this deeper sense that just make me think no matter how shallow the topic might be.

Oh, and you should see that boy LAUGH. His real laugh, I mean. I have often seen him smile and laugh at/with others but somehow, his happiness is more often than not half-hearted and short-lived. But whenever we talk, he becomes transparent the first second and then I’m trapped in his rhetoric qualms.

In the short time I’ve known him, about 3 months, I have learned more about him than he intends me to know. He doesn’t really talk about himself. He indulges himself in talking about random topics and when it gets too personal, he would steer away from it and begin to take control of the conversation, turning around the arrow to the person he’s talking to. But that never worked with me.

I would always, always start our conversations with a personal question directed to him and he would have to answer it or else I will not stop pestering him about it. He used to hate those things but I didn’t really care.I wanted to know more about him. The things that not most people in his life know already. And he didn’t fail me. He always surprises me with his revelations and he always catches me off guard when he’s the one asking.

For weeks that turned into months, I was addicted with talking to him and I didn’t even know it. I just know that everyday, I HAD to talk to him—one way or another. And he didn’t seem to mind. Soon, those conversations turned longer and deeper and we were sharing something special already. Unbeknownst to others, we were building our own world wherein we understand each other without really trying to.

We talked about his life, about mine. He seemed interested and I made sure it stays that way. Whenever he asks me something, I don’t just blurt out the answer. I make it a point to really internalize the questions first and the first thing that comes out of my mind usually makes him smile.

He says I’m a smart ass and I say he’s an adorable dork. We were on that level.

But, like all things I guess, it all had to come to an abrupt end. Little did I know, I was beginning to like him more. Yes! In that short amount of time. And trust me, I didn’t like the idea. AT ALL.

Soon, we found ourselves going out. Not on dates, though. (Lemme make it clear that I have found the man that I want to spend my life with and his name is Carlo James Barreda Padilla. He knew about M, so there. I just have to put that in writing. To set the record straight. LOL. I just realized I was a tad defensive there. ) We went out a couple of times, yes. We spent hours talking, eating and doing vices. We would listen to his type of music, he’d make me watch videos and he basically just introduced me to his life more. Something that he doesn’t do with everyone. I should know because he keeps this mysterious aura around him. And I got to break that sturdy wall of his.

A few more weeks and all of it came to a sudden stop. Things ended abruptly. For some absurd and more than shallow reasons, actually. That bit I despised. The one person that I enjoy talking to, my new found friend and my instant buddy… all that just changed. I need not to go in details but let’s just put it this way. He turned out to be the biggest ass after all.

It saddens me because point one, I failed to read him at the beginning of the budding friendship which is very rare for me. Point two, I got used to having him around. And point three, I really thought he was better than that. EPIC FAIL.

Nowadays, we don’t talk unless it’s a matter of life-and-death. We don’t even see each other eye-to-eye anymore, literally. It seems to me that he have shut down the world we have built together, left it in ruins and trampled on it just to make sure nothing’s left.

It sucks, yes. BIG TIME. I get to see him E-V-E-R-Y-S-I-N-G-L-E-E-F-F-I-N-D-A-Y. It sucks, it sucks, it sucks. Oh, and did I mention it sucks?

It just amazes me how he kept on lying point blank to my face without me even having a hint of it all. He was the truest hypocrite in this planet and I just couldn’t believe he managed to pull that off. WITH ME.

My playlist is still polluted with HIS music. I can’t deny him of having great taste in music. A few of his personal things are still with me only because I see no reason to return ‘em. YET.

I get to see him everyday. I get to hear his voice even when I try to shut it out. And not in the emo sense, ‘kay? It just happens that way.

IT SUCKS. YUP.

Fine Time

Fine Time; an appropriate song for the weekend that just passed.

For the first time, I had been completely caught off-guard, and my heart was beating a little too fast the whole time. 

For the first time, I had felt wanted beyond recognition by someone whom I'm not dating, and who isn't my boyfriend. 

The feeling was unbelievably good. I couldn't think, I didn't want to think, actually. I just wanted to enjoy the evening, and he made sure I did. 

I was looking at him the whole evening, and I thought to myself "Where had he been all this time? Why does he do all this only now?" I wanted to grab him from across the table, and hug him like there's no tomorrow, but of course I didn't. I had to keep whatever dignity I had left in front of him. 

This man has known me for over a decade, and he knows all the nitty-gritty details of my so-called life, but I couldn't completely understand how he could've looked past all that, and still chose to give me a night to remember. His actions were all too natural, and he kept on giving me stolen glances the whole time, which I reciprocated in the same manner. I honestly felt giddy beyond comprehension, and I'm happy to say he felt the same way; at least we were on the same boat on that aspect. 

I teased him endlessly about getting the idea from Mr. Zoren Legaspi, and his answer again, caught me off-guard. He said:

"Gets ko yung point ni Zoren eh. Kapag may dumating sa buhay mo na tao na worth more than you've ever dreamed or wanted, you would be able to do things na hindi normal para sa'yo. You will think of endless ways to make that person feel special, kasi para sa'yo, sobrang special siya. You want to make her smile, to make her feel loved, and to treat her the way she deserves to be treated. Ganun lang yun."

For a couple of weeks now, ever since we started spending time together again, I have tried all ways I know just to NOT FEEL anything beyond friendship from him. I have done my fair share of avoiding any topics that might be more intimate, or too personal. I have brushed off too many compliments, too many sweet-nothings, and I have failed miserably; or not. 

I don't know where this is heading, but all I know is that this is a new thing for me. No green jokes, no exaggerated and uncalled for flirty messages, no aggressiveness, no forced sweetness; just pure and innocent expression of feelings, good vibes, and awesome company shared between two long-lost best friends. 

Who am I to question all those? :)

With a Smile

[a late post]

I saw him again last night. I got to talk to him again, I got to laugh with him just like before. Almost 6 years had passed since we last hung-out, and it's pretty amazing how some things just never change. 

He looks better now. He's healthier, bubblier, and more... relaxed. I truly believe that this is the happiest I've seen him. After the turmoil of emotions that he had been in for the past 7 months, I'm glad to see him doing better. I guess trials really do a lot to a person, depending on how the person handles it. In his case, he dealt with it with grace, and he was able to come out unscathed in the end, despite some minor bruises here and there that have already healed in such a short time. 

He even speaks differently now. He has become more mature, wiser, and his chosen words are like music to my ears. His laughter is contagious, his smiles, infectious. I thought I have forgotten how beautiful he is when he smiles with his perfect, gleaming teeth. I thought he wouldn't have that effect on me anymore, the one he had on me when I was but a mere teenager. Boy, did I think wrong, indeed!

Despite some changes, I am happy to discover that deep inside, he is still that young boy I used to know. He still teases me about my weight, and he still knows where my ticklish parts are. He still doesn't fail to impress me with his humor and charm. He hasn't forgotten our corny terms of endearment, and he hasn't erased from his memory the bits and pieces of our treasured past. 

He still is the gentleman that I know him to be, and he still has no knack for heated arguments. He is still that simpleton, though he has more class now. 

I am really in awe with the man that he turned out to be, and I can't wait to get to know him more, to know him deeper. I guess he will always have a special place in my heart, as a friend, or who knows what else. For now, all I can say is that I'm just thrilled that he's back in my life. 

-LielAbigail

PAPEL.

Looking at my recent “that-friend” reblogs, I realized a lot of things.

One is I’m bitter. Another is that I’m a coward, and also that I’m pretty frustrated with what’s happening lately.

I love my friends and I just don’t understand why this has to happen. The situation I’m in is as crappy as it could get and I really don’t need too much drama. Though I feel a little helpless because deep inside, I still love this friend of mine.

I’ve tried a lot of things: talk to her in a nice way, talk to her in a harsh way, do not talk to her at all, write her a letter, send her a text message, talk to her on the phone, cry to her, appear weak, appear strong, and a lot of other things. ALL TO NO AVAIL.

So, yeah. I’m a little frustrated. I AM FRUSTRATED.

If you’re dealing with a friend who gives you way too much problems, you can’t help but to rethink if the friendship is still worth it.

And as a line from one of my favorite songs goes:

“Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.”

I haven’t decided yet on the things that I should and should not do but I guess I’m just letting things be for now. I won’t turn my back on anybody and I’ll still be here when I’m needed but I won’t push myself into being liked and appreciated because that is just plain pathetic.

I am stubborn and a bit egotistic, I know, (I mean who isn’t, really) but I’m not heartless. I do know how to forgive, especially if they’re my loved ones. I just don’t like taking crap from the same person, over and over and over again. Even if he/she’s a loved one. That’s just crazy.

Okay, ranting over. My student still isn’t logged in.

05.21.10

Roughly translated:

Tabs, I’m going to sleep. Goodluck. I love you, beautiful. Even if you’re fat; you’re still beautiful and I still love you.

I don’t even know if I will feel giddy. Hahaha. This is how he bullies me. I refuse to reveal how I bully him, though. LOL. 

To My Number One Man

To my number one man:

Thank you for everything, Dad. Though distance always kept us apart, you are still a great influence in my life and without you and Mom, I wouldn’t definitely be this blessed and happy. 

I know I’m not the best daughter and I’ve probably done more bad than good but always know that I always strive hard to make you and mom proud. 

Again, dad, thank you for everything. I’ll see you real soon! I love you!

I’ll always be your princess (as sucky and as cliche that might sound. hihi).